Review of 2024

One year ago today, was my last official day at work. The day was cold and clear, which is pleasant for January in Vancouver, and I have fond memories of navigating the labyrinth of halls with a coworker to return my corporate laptop and other bits of hardware. 8 years had passed surprisingly quickly in Big Tech land and my two older kids were completely different people from when I started. My third child, the reason I was leaving my job and the reason I had been on parental leave since June 2023, was a year old and I was excited to officially become a stay-at-home dad. I’m writing to process some of the ups and downs and lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Highlights

2024 was mostly fun and interesting although I’ll admit that being a stay-at-home parent is not easy. Obviously. I should have known this, of course, but my wife handled it so well that I guess I underestimated it. Still, when I look back, the year is full of mostly positive moments. Here’s a rough summary of 2024 for me:

• January: trying to mentally detach from work. Although I had been off on parental leave since June 2023, officially leaving still felt significant and different.
• February: Mayne Island teacherage restoration wrap up. From September 2023 to February 2024 I had volunteered about half a day a week on this project. It was really fun to learn a little bit about construction (I knew nothing!) and through this project I got the chance to: hang cabinet doors, patch and mud drywall, screw down subfloor, install trim on walls and windows, and more. In February the project wrapped up and that home has been an asset for the school and the community.
• March: spring break. I was worried about having 3 kids full time for 2 weeks. What were we going to do? How would I find space for myself? It actually turned out great. We even built a little picnic table for the yard and then picked up a stomach bug and all five of us ended up throwing up for another week. The third week of spring break was unplanned and pretty rough but we survived.
• April: I started writing some articles for this blog. I wanted to take a break from coding Dunshire DOOM and it’s always been on the back of my mind to start my own blog so I finally did it. I didn’t end up publishing it until September.
• May and June were a blur. The kids were super busy at school and I was helping out where I could on field trips or after school activities.
• July and August: Having survived spring break, I was ready. I sat down with the kids and wrote out a list of things we wanted to do over the summer: play basketball, go paddling, swimming, try go-karts, hiking, visit friends. We actually did most of those things and more. It felt really good to take a look at that list in early September and see a whole bunch of check marks. For myself, I enjoyed another summer of slo-pitch. It was also a summer of sci-fi/cyberpunk by playing through Cyberpunk 2077 and reading Gibson’s Neuromancer and some Philip K Dick short stories.
• September: I purchased my first domain (this site!) and published this blog. It took me five months to build up the courage to finally put this site online. And that on top fo the years I spent wanting to create a blog. I’m not a confident person so putting myself out there like this is hard but I think it’s a good challenge.
• October, November, December - After taking a break from Dunshire DOOM, I came back to the project with renewed energy and I spent my spare time in Oct/Nov/Dec improving the project. I was even bold enough to post about it on DoomWorld. These months were also busy getting the kids settled back into school, keeping food on the table, and going to meetings at the Mayne Island Community Centre and the Mayne Island School PAC.

Wow! This already looks like a lot and it completely ignores the day to day family time, and games, and hikes or trips we took. Just scrolling back through pictures my wife and I took this year makes me smile. Here’s a photo my wife took of me with my three kids up ahead on Saturna Island (ignore my scrunched up face - we had a great time and it was a beautiful little walk at a beautiful place at a beautiful time of day):

In addition to these things, I’ve read a several books myself ¹, even more books to the kids ², and all the while trying to be a solid rock to support my wife as she settled into work. One of the challenges I found being off work is that I often feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. Sometimes just getting a meal ready or taking the kids to the doctor is about all that I can manage. Taking an inventory like this though… it actually does make me feel like I’ve achieved a few things over the last year.

Challenges

As I mentioned above, I’ll often come to the end of a day or week or month and feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. When I was working, there were deadlines and documents and code and a paycheck and feedback that all helped me feel like I was going somewhere or I was part of something. Being a stay-at-home parent, I’ve got to figure that all out for myself. It is freeing and challenging at the same time.

Another challenge is self doubt. Am I doing the right things for my kids? Am I connected with them? Am I listening to them? Am I understanding their challenges and supporting them as they grow? Am I setting a good example? The way I speak to them and respond to them now will have an impact years down the road. I hope I’m doing right by them. They are good kids, my wife has given them a great head start, I hope to at least maintain it.

Related to self doubt and a feeling of not accomplishing anything, I have a habit of overextending myself. This can be a downward spiral. I feel like I haven’t done anything, so I say yes to some task I don’t have time for and then drop other things and then feel like I haven’t accomplished anything and then say yes to some task and… hopefully you get the picture.

One last thing I’ve noticed is I’m terrible at taking a break. When I was working, I would shut the computer at the end of the day or on the weekend and be with the family. Now I’m always with the family at home so without that separation, it’s harder to know what relaxing means. I feel myself getting frustrated or irritated more often. Some days, I think I was a better parent when I was working.

Lessons

Phew. Those challenges sound miserable but actually it’s helpful to write them out. In fact, reading over this and looking at all the things I have accomplished makes me realize the year was pretty good. Still, I’d like to make 2025 even better so over the year I’d like to find ways to:

• Take breaks and take care of myself. I’ll need to push off that self doubt and desire to accomplish things and just have fun.
• Be cautious about saying yes. To help myself take breaks, I’ll need to say yes to less things and probably drop some ongoing things. It won’t be easy, but it will let me focus on what matters: family and friends.
• Read some parenting books. I’m pretty indiscriminate about the books I read¹ but I think it would offer me some reassurance and tools to support my kids if I focus a little on parenting. That is my main role right now, it wouldn’t hurt to pick up a few textbooks. Apparently stay-at-home dads are more common so it shouldn’t be hard to find resources. This reddit thread may be a good place to start.

Final Word

I left my job looking forward to the challenge of stay-at-home parenting and it’s gone mostly well. Certainly I could be a better husband and father but the kids are growing and happy and my marriage is mostly good. Inside me sometimes is a storm of questions and thoughts and emotions. It does help to write it down like this and think it through. Every stay-at-home parent I’ve spoken too has had more or less the same struggles.

When I was living in Vancouver, I would take walks with one of the stay-at-home dads in the neighbourhood and we would chat about life and kids and work and all kinds of things. He was (and is) a good dad and it’s pretty amazing how he managed it. He had years of practice though so I’ll try to cut myself some slack. It’s good to know people can do this and be successful.